Boundaries, Limitations, and Everything In Between: Learning to Discern and Protect Ourselves

Recently, many posts about boundaries have been popping up in various groups, and even an old post on the subject was revived. So, I felt inspired to share my perspective.

First, I distinguish between personal boundaries and agreements. Agreements are based on a shared boundary that derives from the personal boundaries of all parties involved.

Personal Boundaries: Where I Set the Rules

I define personal boundaries as anything within my personal domain:

• My body

• My personal space

• My personal property

• My personal time

• My children (when relevant)

These boundaries are mine alone; only I decide what happens within them, and no one else has the right to demand anything inside those boundaries.

However, I can demand respect for my boundaries, such as: "Don’t touch my thigh," "Don’t schedule our session during my personal time," or "Don’t give my kids ice cream before dinner."

Shared Boundaries: A Place for Agreements

When I share something with another person—like a home, children, or agreed-upon shared time—the boundaries are determined together, often leaning toward the preferences of the person who needs tighter boundaries.

Example:If one person feels uncomfortable with phone use during shared quality time and the other doesn’t mind, it’s best to agree that phones won’t be used during that time.

Limitations: When Someone Tries to Control Us

When one party dictates what happens within the other’s personal boundaries, it becomes a limitation. These often lead to frustration, feelings of control or coercion, and ultimately, emotional distancing.

Example:If I tell my partner they’re not allowed to kiss someone on their date tonight—which occurs within their time and space—I’m imposing a limitation. I can ask, but they are free to decline.

However, if I say that I’m uncomfortable seeing them kiss someone at a party we’re attending together, that’s an invitation to discuss shared boundaries, as it pertains to our shared time and space.

How to Reach Agreements on Shared Boundaries?

When discussing shared boundaries, each party expresses their personal limits, understanding that these may not align with the other’s preferences.

Example from Above:I tell my partner I’m uncomfortable seeing them kiss someone at a party tonight. Respecting my boundary is not a request but a requirement.

Possible solutions without imposing limitations:

1. They may agree that kissing isn’t important tonight.

2. They may choose not to attend the party if they can’t kiss.

3. We might agree they will kiss only when ensuring I’m not present.

4. We could decide only one of us will attend the party.

5. We might skip the party entirely and do something else together.

Demands vs. Requests: Knowing When to Ask and When to Require

If one party wants the other to do or not do something within their personal boundaries, it’s a request, not a demand. Requests can be declined.

Example:I’m triggered by the idea of my partner kissing someone during their date at a café. I prepare to ask them not to do it, understanding that this is a request within their personal domain. If they decline, I accept that it’s their choice and not a personal rejection of me.

We then explore together how I can manage my feelings, with options like:

• Not knowing if it happens

• Choosing when and how to be informed

• Having supportive conversations or activities

• Spending time with friends during the date

• Meditating during the date

• Taking space while ensuring it’s mutually manageable

What do you think? Share in the comments—when do you feel confident setting boundaries, and when is it hard to ask for what you need?