Post| AltCtrLife

Is there a line separating legitimate, understandable hurt within relationships from the kind of harm that constitutes abuse? How can we tell the difference? In my view, this is one of the most difficult things to grasp when harm crosses the line from acceptable suffering, from the norm, from what's reasonably tolerable – both as a therapist and as a friend.

Often, I find myself struggling to truly accept that this is the reality someone is living in.

Add to this the abuser's tendency to minimize the act, smooth it over, shift responsibility onto the victim – blaming their sensitivity, low self-esteem, or various other "issues" – or create false appearances of resolution and improvement.

Given all this, it becomes clear why there are so many ongoing situations involving violent relationships, whether physical and/or emotional, and why it's so deceptive and hard to accept that it's real, and the victim isn't just "exaggerating or being dramatic."

Abusive Relationships: Not Always Black and White

Another crucial point is that many abusive relationships are genuinely not all bad.

Even if one partner lives in constant fear, much of their shared time might actually be pleasant, fulfilling, and connecting. But the fear is always there, because the threat of the "blow" – the sudden harshness, criticism, or outburst – is always looming.

This "blow" is reflected in things the abuser says to the victim, about the victim, or about others; things they do to others; and in behavior that is avoidant, belittling, dismissive, distancing, or patronizing.

Such behavior intensifies the victim's fear and difficulty in expressing themselves, creating an anxiety about their own "worthiness." As long as they manage to prevent the abuser from acting distant, avoidant, dismissive, or violent towards them, they feel "worthy." When they do experience abuse, the conclusion becomes "I am unworthy."

This dynamic can lead the person in the relationship with the abuser to support and even collaborate with them, justifying and enabling the abuser's harmful and violent behavior towards others. They might even actively participate, just to feel "worthy" in the abuser's eyes.

The victim's rationalizations, driven by the desire for this "worthiness," justify every action and behavior of the abuser, even if it contradicts the victim's own values and feelings. This is how a victim can sometimes become a "flying monkey"—an unwitting supporter and enabler of the abuser's toxicity towards others—while never speaking up or complaining about the harm done to them.

The Difficulty in Recognizing Abuse

Because of this complex mix of reasons, when people share extreme situations from their relationships with me – using words like abuse, harm, violence – I notice my own tendency, sometimes, to search for justifications, rationalizations. I try to recall the abuser's good sides, wonder if what was described might be normal, legitimate, acceptable, reasonable. Maybe the storyteller is exaggerating, too sensitive, too dramatic?

This is how many of us often react to such stories.

I think, in many ways, this happens because we recognize parts of ourselves that identify with, or understand, the abuser's actions. Or perhaps we think we might have done something similar at some point, and we ourselves become unsettled by the blurry line between normal human flaws and pathological behavior.

Choosing to Believe

But with the understanding I have today, I choose to believe. To believe that if someone comes forward to share about harm in their relationship like this, it's not for nothing. Even if they bear some responsibility within the dynamic, pointing fingers at them right now is not the point. What happened likely goes far beyond the friction and reasonable conflicts found in a typical relationship.

Red Flags: Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Here are signs that, for me, indicate someone is describing an abusive relationship – one that goes beyond the pain of a bad but acceptable fight dynamic in a normative relationship. Even if only some of these are present, I would define it as an abusive relationship or one posing a significant emotional (if not physical) risk:

These signs are also for self-reflection regarding your own experience in a relationship you have doubts about.
Constant Fear: They live in perpetual fear – fear of violence, or fear of abandonment/losing their perceived "worthiness."
Difficulty Sharing: They struggle to express their true feelings or share difficulties within the relationship due to the aforementioned fear.
Physical Violence: They experience any form of physical violence.
Emotional Abuse: They experience emotional abuse – yelling, insults, belittling, contempt (even in daily interactions), dismissal of their requests, mockery or dismissal of their feelings, avoidance and withdrawal without discussion or explanation, the "silent treatment," invalidation of their emotions.
Undermining of Self-Perception: Their sense of self-worth and capability is systematically attacked by the abuser, often in two ways:
1. Tantrums, drama, accusations, or withdrawal occur when the victim does manage to express their feelings or set boundaries.
2. The abuser usurps the victim's personal agency in various situations, leading to the victim losing trust in their own ability to act on their desires and enforce their boundaries.
One-Sided Conflict Dynamics: Fights consistently end the same way, regardless of how they started: only the victim apologizes, takes responsibility, and feels guilty, with no real progress ever being made.
Denial and Suppression: Parts of the relationship and specific events are erased or suppressed by the victim, and downplayed, smoothed over, or minimized by the abuser.
Reality Distortion (Gaslighting): They experience a constant undermining of their sense of self and reality. Something always feels "off" or wrong. The other person might say all the right things, but their actions don't align.
False Promises of Change: The abuser brings up tools and solutions for improvement, sounding like they're taking responsibility. This creates false hope for the future, keeping the victim invested, but no actual change occurs.
"Go Get Help Yourself": Conflicts frequently end with the victim being told they are the one who needs therapy or "fixing"; the abuser presents themselves as perfectly fine.
Victim-Blaming: After a fight, the abuser frames the problem as the victim's fault: "Your exaggeration / insecurity / neediness / drama is the reason we fought."
Harm Towards Others: The abuser attacks or harms other people. The internal dissonance this creates for the victim becomes immense and harder to bear over time.

Taking Responsibility: The Key to Healthy Relationships

There are more signs, of course. But what distinguishes these patterns from human error, normal expressions of unmanaged emotions, or reasonable relationship clashes is, above all, genuine, full, and authentic accountability from both sides.

When such accountability exists, you won't hear descriptions like the ones above. Someone in a relationship with mutual accountability simply won't recount these kinds of experiences.

When someone tells me they feel constant fear and "unworthiness" in a relationship that also involves physical and emotional abuse, I won't look for where their low self-esteem might be exaggerating or inflating the situation.

I understand that while they undoubtedly do have low self-esteem, the abuser has significantly contributed to it, exploited it (consciously or not), and plunged the insecure person before them into a pit of fear and self-doubt.

I will always believe the person who was harmed.

Recognize the Signs, Act for Protection

The systematic nature, the one-sidedness, the repetitiveness, the clearly defined and recurring role of the victim, the extreme imbalance in taking responsibility and doing emotional work, and especially – above all else – displays of violence, aggression, and uncontrolled anger... these, in my eyes, draw the line between a normative relationship with conflicts and an abusive one.

Share your thoughts in the comments: Have you encountered these red flags in relationships? How can we raise awareness about this issue and better support those who are in abusive relationships?