"Was it okay to touch there? Did he enjoy it? Should I use a condom? Can I give a spank? What about a toy? Is there space for everything that's going on in my heart? And what about tomorrow?"
Each of us comes to bed with "white noise" – burdens, questions, and concerns that swirl in the background, making it hard to truly listen. This noise spills in, interrupting us from listening both to ourselves and to the partner beside us. It prevents us from feeling secure, from letting go, and from truly being present in the moment.
But what if I told you that much of this noise could disappear – simply by having a pre-conversation? And what if I told you that mystery might be overrated, and that a sense of security and mutual understanding could actually enhance the experience?
RBDSM is a pre-conversation designed to lay the groundwork for a calmer, more respectful, and safer intimacy. Some see it as part of foreplay, while others refer to it as "a conversation for safe sex." So, let's explore together what questions should be asked before getting into bed, and how we can do this in a pleasant, connecting, and even sexy way.
R – Relationships
We live in a time where "single" or "in a relationship" are statuses that don’t even come close to covering all possibilities. Monogamy, polyamory, relationship anarchy – there are so many labels that it’s easy to get lost. When we get into bed, we want to know where the partner stands, what type of relationship they’re in, and what it allows. We don’t need to dive into deep definitions, but it’s worth asking:
"Are you in a relationship? What type? Are there any boundaries I should know about?"
Questions like these help us understand the space we’re entering and determine whether we’re comfortable being there.
B – Boundaries
Boundaries create freedom. We all have boundaries – sometimes soft ("my chest is sensitive, but maybe you can touch it gently"), and sometimes firm ("there’s no way I’ll have unprotected sex"). Boundaries can be personal, tied to a current relationship, a current emotional state, or a fleeting desire. When we put them on the table in advance, a safer environment is created where we can relax.
The opportunity to bring up a new boundary during the interaction is strengthened because we’ve already established an open and healthy conversation.
D – Desires
How many times do we suppress desires out of fear or shame? An open conversation allows us to say, "I want to feel your wild side tonight" or "I’m really craving to penetrate you." This doesn’t mean every desire will be fully realized; we might hear something like "That intrigues me, but I’m still not comfortable with it." But just the shared fantasy excites and creates a new level of closeness. Here, we can find where our desires align and create a powerful, tailored experience.
S – Sexual Health
A topic that isn’t discussed enough but is crucial for any respectful and safe intimacy. Part of intimate communication is sharing our health status, getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases, and using appropriate contraception. This includes simple but important questions:
"When were you last tested? Have there been any unprotected encounters with other partners recently?"
In this way, we can decide together whether to use a condom or other means of protection, preventing misunderstandings and unnecessary pressures.
M – Meaning
What does this encounter mean for me? Sometimes we don’t have a clear answer, and sometimes the gaps only appear during the encounter. But the more honest we can be in the moment, the better. We can share our excitement, curiosity, or even anxiety and check whether our desires align for a short or long-term encounter. Even if we don’t arrive at a clear answer, at least we enter the experience with mutual understanding and respect.
M – The Morning After (+ Aftercare)
What happens after our encounter? Right after, and the next day? Do you want me to stay the night? Do we prefer to part ways and be alone? It’s worth clarifying in advance to avoid the familiar noise of the morning after: send a message or not? Will it be seen as harassment or as care? This conversation allows us to ask for what we need – like two days of silence or a small message confirming the encounter was good. There’s no need to commit, just to show basic mutual care.
Possible Addition: PC – Privacy and State of Mind
Privacy: Do we want to share what happened with others? With whom and to what level of detail?State of Mind: Will we be using alcohol or mind-altering substances, and if so, how does that affect things?
Why Is It Important to Talk Before?
In our culture, the subject of pre-conversations is often relegated to the sidelines, especially when it comes to intimate matters. But beyond the physical aspect, the conversation creates an atmosphere of emotional security and allows partners to feel safe in the intimate space. A pre-conversation has the potential to strengthen the emotional connection and prevent feelings like uncertainty or anxiety.
How to Approach the Pre-Conversations?
A good pre-conversation has several stages that can help create deep and sensitive dialogue. Here are some suggestions for starting the conversation and deepening intimacy and communication:
Start by setting expectations: Begin by expressing appreciation for your partner and ask what their expectations are from the experience. Ask open-ended questions like, "What’s important to you in this experience?" and "What would make you feel safe?"
Emotional communication and sharing concerns: It’s important to share the complex feelings – the ones that might provoke anxiety or concern, in a way that invites the partner to participate in the discussion and share their side too.
Physical touch and personal limits: Talk openly about the types of touch you feel comfortable with – are there places, situations, or ways of touching that you feel comfortable with, or on the contrary, things that embarrass you?
Creating a Relaxed Atmosphere
In order to have a successful and meaningful conversation, the atmosphere in which it takes place is important. Choose a quiet, comfortable, non-threatening place where everyone will feel free to express themselves. You could even think of ways to make the conversation enjoyable – like offering to do it while walking, on the balcony with coffee, or while listening to relaxing music.
Dealing with Disagreements
When there’s disagreement about boundaries or expectations, it’s important to approach it with sensitivity. A conversation about sensitive issues isn’t always easy, but when we come with a clear intention to listen and understand, it’s more likely to succeed. In the case of disagreement, remember that we don’t have to reach a complete agreement – we can settle for finding a compromise that gives both sides a sense of security.
Communication Techniques to Strengthen the Connection
To make the conversation deeper and more meaningful, here are some practical tools that contribute to interpersonal communication:
Active listening: Pay attention to what’s being said, not just the words, but also body language and eye contact, and give a sense of security.
Confirmation and clarification: Reiterate important points and make sure you understood the message. You can say something like: "So what you’re saying is that…"
Sensitivity to the partner’s state: Pay attention to subtle cues of discomfort, hesitation, or excitement, and adjust the conversation accordingly.